What’s a song that changed your life?
I can’t say it really changed my life …. but the song that has always had a huge impact on my life and my emotions is Kelly Clarkson – (Because of You).
Any time I hear it, I cry.
It doesn’t matter if I don’t want to or not, if I try not to, or if I try thinking of something else while it’s on…. I cry.
Sometimes, I have to change it when I hear it on the radio because if I’m in a good mood, I don’t want it ruined.
Because of you – reminds me of my dad. Not in a good way, either.
I don’t talk a lot about what happened with my dad because he’s gone now and what’s the point? But…. We never really had a good relationship, and he’s done things that have made it hard for me to trust a lot of people.
He taught me when I was young (without even realizing it), that there are people out there that have the wrong intentions, that can’t be trusted, that are only involved in your life to see what they can get out of it and who don’t care if they hurt you or not, as long as you stay quiet about it.
My dad was the first man to ever break my heart and make me not trust people from the time I was about 11 ….all the way into my adult years.
So, when I hear Because of you – every single word – every single lyric – reminds me of why I don’t trust a lot of people. Why I play it safe and stick to who and what I know. Why I’m so protective (maybe over protective) of my own kids and why I’m guarded.
I don’t let a lot of people into my inner circle and I like to keep my circle small.
He’s the reason I’m so protective of kids these days. I don’t care if they’re my kids or other people’s kids, but I will fight for a child’s safety, their rights, their voice. Them in general. I will defend a child. I will always make sure any child I encounter is safe.
My dad left me with a lot of emotional scars to deal with. A lot of anger. A lot of sadness. A lot of distrust, and I hate that.
So, the song that has changed my life or takes me through emotions – is because of you … because I feel just the way she felt in that song.
Betrayed. Angered. Irritated. Sad. Hurt. Untrusting.
Kelly wrote that song about her parents and their bitter divorce when she was 6. All the trauma she went through. All the things she saw between them, and things that were going on in the home when she was growing up.
She wrote it about the trust issues she now faces because of the trauma she encountered when she was growing up. She wrote it about the broken home she grew up in, and all the pain and emotional distress she faced and still faces because of it.
I feel that! I know the feeling.
I don’t like to talk about my dad and the things that happened, and not a lot of people care to hear it, so I don’t even bring it up.
I always believed that when our souls get up there to God when we pass….we all have to answer to him and we can’t deny what we’ve done here on this earth, so some part of me wants to believe that he had to answer for his actions here on earth. 🫤
Still, what happened….what I’ve dealt with and what he put me through as a child, has taught me I can’t trust everybody, to keep my circle small with a handful of people I do trust, and to protect every child that needs it.
It’s such a great song and I’ve always made sure that my children are safe, protected, and to know they can talk to me about anything and I’ll believe them. I’ll defend them. I’ll trust them because as the saying goes …..
“Overprotective mothers were once under protected daughters”.
I absolutely love how she talks about protecting her own child and never allowing her child to go through anything she went through or had to see as a child. 🩷
I stand by that!
I’ll always cry when I hear this song and let it play.
It will always affect me, but it’s such a true, powerful and real song that I absolutely love, and that speaks truth for those who never had anyone to say, “I believe you!”, or “You’re safe now!”.
Anyway, lets move on to better things, Yes?
Let me make you laugh.
My little dude’s teacher emailed me last night and she asked how he seems. She asked if he had any more complaints.
When he first started at this school a few months ago, there were two little boys bothering him and saying things to him that hurt my son’s feelings and he didn’t like it. He was letting it get to him, and I finally said something to the teacher, who I noticed – did most likely handle it because now my son and these boys are somewhat friendly towards each other.
My son hasn’t had any more complaints and I always ask him if anyone bothered him, said anything to him, or if someone is messing with him, and these days – he always says no. He comes out of school most of the times – happy, and ready to tell me about his day or what happened during the day – (which I’m so grateful for).
Things have been so much better now – than when he first started at this new school.
The teacher has said he’s a great kid, but he likes to be funny, silly, play around in class, and yes – that’s my Elijah. He loves making people laugh and being goofy, but we’ve talked about the right places to do it, and school isn’t one of those places. Especially if the teacher is trying to teach, and he’s trying to be funny.
She said she was so proud of him for how he was on Tuesday and Friday of last week, and I giggled and asked about the other three days.
In the email, she said he’s a great kid, but he loves to argue and always has to be right. She did a (LOL) – to let me know she was laughing about it, though.
I called Elijah because I was out when I got the email, and I asked him about it.
I asked why he fights with his teacher. Why he argues with her.
He said, “Because she always wants to be right. She always thinks she’s right”. He had no idea she said the same thing about him, so that made me laugh so much. I told him it’s funny, because she says the same thing about him.
I do know my son could be a lawyer one day because he does love to argue and try to be right.
Example: I’ve told him over and over and over again last week – every day he went to school – to put his sweaters on because he’d wrap them around his waist.
He’d argue that it wasn’t even that cold outside, and I’d argue back that he needed to put on his sweaters. Every day. I kept telling him he was going to get sick. He kept insisting it was fine and he wasn’t cold. I told him the weather was, and we went back and forth. I finally decided to do the whole pick and choose your battles thing, and since it wasn’t freezing and it was just a little chilly, I just said, “Fine! When you get sick, I don’t want nothing about not wanting to go to school because you’re going!”. He insisted he wasn’t going to get sick because it’s not cold outside – he said.
Halloween – same thing. I demanded he wears a long-sleeve shirt under his baseball costume and he argued with me. I argued back and it was not up for discussion. Halloween was beautiful, but it was still a bit chilly that night, and I was a glad I made him wear his long-sleeve, but he insisted on keeping the sleeves pushed up to his elbows and it drove me crazy.
I warned him again about getting sick, and he insisted he wouldn’t.
Yesterday, I heard him sniffling, and I knew his nose was stuffed. He kept blowing it, and I knew he was getting sick. I looked at him and just said – very calmly – “Uh – huh”. I already knew. He looked at me, smiled and said, “I’m not getting sick!”.
My face:
Mom always know best, but he’ll learn as he gets older.
I didn’t listen to my mom much when I was younger, but I learned a lot of hard life lessons because she was always right and I didn’t want to listen. lol.
I guess he’ll have to learn lessons the same way, huh?!
anyway……
I have a good friend I adore – and she is always asking if I’m reading my Bible, taking notes, praying, trusting God, etc.
I have so much going on in my life right now, that she’ll send me Bible quotes and verses, and videos to listen to about God.
I love her dearly, and I love God dearly – but lately, I’ve been feeling like I’ve been losing some of my faith, and I hate this feeling. I’ve prayed so many times and so much, I’m starting to wonder if he’s up there listening or not.
Last week, she messaged me and I told her right away not to bring up any Bible verses, ask if I’ve read my Bible or anything because I didn’t want to hear it.
She absolutely respected my wishes, and she was great at just being there for me.
However, I was in my car last night and I prayed. Out-loud. I went and got myself Wendy’s – and as I sat in the car, I saw a Dollar tree across the way, and I thought about the Bible sitting in my bag at home – that I haven’t touched in so long.
I decided it was time.
I decided to run to the Dollar tree and grab myself what I now named “My God notebook”.
The outside is black and it says “Notes”. The inside looks like pages you can draw on – with no lines or anything, but I don’t need lines. I plan to take out my Bible and start reading it again. I plan to write down my favorite verses, scriptures, stories, etc.
I plan to write down my dreams, my goals, my wishes, my prayers in there and just anything in my heart that I need to get out – and don’t want to write for the world to see. It’s all going in there as my little “God’s eyes only” book – I guess you could say.
I need to get my faith back, and start trusting God again to know what he’s doing up there, to have a plan for my life, and even if nothing makes sense to me right now – I know he knows everything he’s got planned for me, and that little by little – things will start falling into place.
That’s where I am in my life right now. Lost. Confused. Losing faith I need to hang on to and make stronger. Ready to turn it all over to God and let him do things that I can’t do on my own without him.
My life is far from perfect right now, and in fact – it’s a whole mess, and messy – but I love running across motivational videos and one I heard recently was on a Ben Matias video – that I absolutely adore.
It goes back and forth between two alter-egos. Him acting as two people.
I’ll say 1 and 2.
1: I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to get my life together. Every time I think I’m getting better – something else goes wrong. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing anymore.
2: Congratulations! You’ve officially found out that you’re a human being. Think you’re supposed to have everything figured out? You think you’re supposed to wake up every morning knowing exactly what to do with your life?
1: NO, but…..
2: But what? You’re going to make mistakes. You’re going to disappoint people. You’re going to have days where you don’t get a damn thing right.
1: I know that!
2: Then why are you beating yourself up for? You’re so busy thinking about the things that you haven’t gotten done, that you can’t even enjoy the things that you’ve already done.
1: It feels like I’m failing everybody.
2: Everybody? Who is everybody? ‘Cause last time I checked, you’re the only one that has to live your life, and you’re treating yourself worse than anybody else ever has. You’re not perfect. I’m not perfect. Nobody on this damn earth is perfect. So, why do you think you’re the only exception?
1: I’m just scared I’m going to screw everything up.
2: Then, screw up!!! Fix what you can. Apologize when you need to. Learn something and keep going. ‘Cause what do you want me to say? That you’re never going to have a bad day? ‘Cause I can’t promise you that! What I can tell you is…life goes on. No matter what the situation. Every puzzle in life can be solved by moving pieces around, and if you need a break, go take a break. You can come back to the puzzle later, but you can’t get back the time staring at it.
I loved this so much, and I agree with it fully.
I’m learning that I’m going to make mistakes, disappoint people, and have bad days, and that’s okay. I’m learning I can’t please everyone, I’m the only one who has to live this life and I have to do what makes me happy, or move the puzzle pieces around the way I need to – to make them all fit the way I need them to – if that makes sense.
I need to do what I need to do – to make sure my life is good, and whatever anyone thinks or has an opinion on – not my issue. Let them be disappointed or bothered by my choices, but they’re my choices.
So, while I don’t talk about everything going on right now, or everything I have on my plate – I just have to figure out how to allow myself to screw up sometimes, stop trying to please everyone, and to do what I feel is best for myself and my kids – as I try to put my life back together and get everything figured out.
Messy and all.
Baby, if you’re reading this…..
We’re all human. We’re allowed to have messy lives and situations. We’re allowed to disappoint people and make mistakes. We’re allowed to screw up and start over. We’re allowed to do what we feel is best for us and be happy …even if others don’t like our choices. We’re allowed to be human!
Whatever you’re feeling, dealing with, going through….you got this and I’m right there with you as we all try to figure shit out because all of us in this life…are dealing with some madness in different ways.
I got nothing else right now.
Love you!
By the way – LITE FM 93.9 Chicago is turning on the holiday lite within the next day or two, so pay attention and listen in my loves.
XoXo